Dave Barry Quotations

Viewing quotes 1 to 20 (33 total)

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Random]

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Basketball]

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Parents]

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Kindness]

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Violence]

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Alcohol]

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Politics]

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Leadership]

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Age]

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Dancing]

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Dogs]

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Television] [America]

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Television]

In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business Poetry.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Business]

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Driving]

Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene ("'Yes, yes, YES!' moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture").
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Taxes]

Question: " I understand that Congress is considering a so-called 'flat' tax system. How would this work?" Answer: "If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool."
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Taxes]

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Society]

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Quotations]

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.
	- Dave Barry	more quotations on [Travel]

Viewing quotes 1 to 20 (33 total)

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